Gratuitously Wasted Agent Reviews Stand-up Hotspot (G.W.A.R.S.H., the thread)

[Fade to Vanilla]

Word for word, direct lifting of material

Hannibal "The Ostrich" Burress: "I dun think Amy would take jokes"

 

So Amy will get a pass, where any other male comedian (of any ethnic group) would be crucified for the sheer quantity and brazenness of the theft. The comedy world is soooooo fucking desperate to have just one funny woman that they will collectively say "Yeah but she's nice so she gets a pass. Ned Holness or whateverthefuckhisnameis was rightly banished.  Leary has a bigger asterisk next to his name than Barry Bonds.  Dane Cook?

But Schumer?  Nah she's got tits.

Funny how the people who are loudest about equality deserve it the least.

[Kill L. Nigs]

Amy Schumer's base (dumb girls in their 20s) doesn't know or care about the importance of stealing jokes.  The downside for Amy is that her base is fickle and they will move on to someone else.  At that point, we'll never hear about her again.  That or she becomes another Garofalo where the only time you hear from her is if she says something so dumb and outrageous that someone will write a story about it.

[Agent of Aspieonage]

So there's some shithole no-name comedy festival in NYC that is currently auditioning through March 14th for comedians to perform there. $19.25.

The catch: no straight white dudes.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVI3JTdELzY" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVI3JTdELzY</a>


THEN, on March 15th, straight white dudes are allowed to audition. For $25.

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/02/25/cinder-block-comedy-festival/

NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — Organizers of an upcoming comedy festival in New York City are telling straight men to move over with a submission policy that takes a stance on gender equality issues.

The upcoming Cinder Block Comedy Festival is currently only accepting submissions from women, non-white applicants and members of the LGBTQ community — a move they say is an effort to curate a diverse lineup of performers.

“Having a token LGBTQ person of color woman, in a sea of white bearded men is not diversity,” the group proclaims in a video on the comedy festival’s website. “As an audience you deserve more than one point of view.”

The early-bird submission, running from Feb. 15 to March 15, also allows applicants to pay a cheaper fee of $19.25.

All other submissions, including ones from what festival organizers call “token bearded white dudes,” run from March 15 through April 15, with applicants paying a $25 submission fee.

The Cinder Block Comedy festival — run by an all-female staff — is the brainchild of Festival Director Coree Spencer, who drew inspiration for the idea after she was severely injured from being hit by a flying cinder block on the Puslaki Bridge, according to an open letter on the festival’s website.

Spencer said the difference in price was to mimic the gender pay gap between men and women, the Daily Caller reported. The difference in price is 77 percent.

The Cinder Block Comedy Festival is slated to to run at a venue in Williamsburg from Sept. 15-18.

If you go to their website

http://www.cinderblockcomedyfestival.com/




Yes, I'm sure you're gonna get a whole LOT of 'diverse opinions' from this crew.

And to be clear, they aren't charging you to come audition. They are charging you $20-$25 just to watch a five minute video of you, and then probably dismiss you.

http://www.cinderblockcomedyfestival.com/submit/early-individual/

Please provide a link to your video up to 5 minutes in length on one of our supported sites (YouTube, Facebook, Vimeo). If your video is more than 5 minutes, that's okay, just keep in mind that we will only be watching the first 5 minutes. You will NOT be uploading your video directly through this application. Please make sure your video is not set to private! If your video is set to private, we can’t see it, we can’t make a decision, and we won’t contact you to tell you that either, nor will we refund your submission fee. Audio and video quality are crucial!

I know comedy is traditionally a heavily jewey but that right there is the most jewishing fucking thing I have ever seen in my years in the business. Not only are they charging to audition (meaning nobody with actual talent who respects themselves is going to audition), they are also soliciting volunteers. You know, free labor.

I look forward to the inevitable gigantic fireball of failure this will become. I got a few friends in the (actual) NYC/Boston comedy circuit I can crash with, and I'm seriously thinking of flying down just to attend with them and ruin this event as best we (legally) can. If any of you fags wants to join me PM me. Its mid September and as of right now I have that wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide the fuck open. I hear NYC is lovely in September.

Also I know there are about a zillion amazing restaurants there but if anyone knows of seriously awesome little known joints let me know. TIA.

[kornbeef]

This is a good thread.

What do you think of Steve Martin?  Martin Short?

I thought Wendy Liebman was kinda funny though I haven't listened to her lately.

Bob Saget was surprisingly good.

[Commisar Cletus]

Curious what you think of Patrice O' Neal. He fits basically all your stereotypes about black comedians but I found him funny as shit regardless.

[J Dog]

Question about the Oscars.

Chris Rock: should he have rehearsed his monologue at least once before performing it?

[Agent of Aspieonage]

Curious what you think of Patrice O' Neal. He fits basically all your stereotypes about black comedians but I found him funny as shit regardless.

I loved him and he was a genius. He was careful not to realtalk his race too much, which was a smart move, but you could tell he was a closet shitlord.

The thing I respect about him most is this, which I mentioned when I was ripping apart faggot troon Avery Edison:

I just realized...you know who the opposite of Avery is? Partice O'Neal. Patrice started out in comedy, a great big giant black dude with a sort of ghetto swagger. He could have coasted a long time in a place like Harlem or South Central LA, or even down in Atlanta doing the modern chitlin circuit. He would have had audiences who "got him", and wouldn't have had to grow.

Nope.

O'neal relocated to the United Kingdom to work on his comedy there. He worked harder as an outsider and a foreigner to gain the respect of his peers. "It took about 5 months... for them to go 'Ok, this guy's not playing around,'" he told Bennington. It was also during this time that he caught the eye of British comedian Ricky Gervais, still early in his stand-up career.[14] Gervais frequently mentioned Oneal as a favorite comic.[16][17][18] He returned to the New York area in 2002 when he got the offer to do his first half-hour special for Showtime. Later that year he joined the cast of The Colin Quinn Show and then Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. The following year, he recorded a Comedy Central Presents special.

See Avery, you chickenshit hack, an actual comic is versatile and adapts. I have worked wine tasting parties full of tipsy milf types. I do fine because I can cater an act to them. I have worked fraternities and did a substantially different act. I worked in the ghetto in Houston, I've worked nowheresville in the middle of Nebraska, and I make it work.

Know why?

Professionalism. I don't see the job as a way of stroking my ego or forcing my worldview. This is also, incidentally, why I don't do political shit, and why I research the demographics of gigs before I go. I prepare. If I am going to college town A, who HATES college town B, I do a little research into college town B, find a few things I can craft jokes about, and then they love it. They paid me, and I delivered like a professional.

Lets say we weren't comedians. Well, lets say I'm not. You already aren't. But lets say we were plumbers. My brother is a plumber, perfectly honest job with good pay.

I would show up where I was called and do the work. If I have to improvise around a bit of spotty welding, or electricity, I do. If somehow the measurements were in metric, I'd be able to cope. If I had to work with metal pipe and plastic in the same system, goddamn thats part of the job.

You are the plumber who only fixes mildly leaky sinks in the second floor bathroom of beige colored houses whose addresses are a prime number, on the first and third Sunday of the month.

In short, fuck you and your grotesque attempt at this job.

Yes, it is a job, you fuckhead.

[kornbeef]

garry shandling died

[J Dog]

I don't know if agent knows about Margaret Cho's meltdown, but there's nothing I love more than mealy-mouthed apologies.  Here's the club owner's:

Dear Stress Factory Fans:

For 25 years The Stress Factory has produced the best stand up comics in the business. Last Saturday night we presented Margaret Cho whose career includes stints on HBO, COMEDY CENTRAL and many other prestigious highlights. She is a brash, accomplished, outspoken comic whose work has earned her the respect of legions of fans, the industry and me.

We booked Margaret for 5 shows and 4 of them went brilliantly. Unfortunately the fifth show, the final set of the weekend, did not. This show took a left turn and ended up being a mess. We are truly sorry for that. We will make this up to the people who attended the show in whatever way we can. We love our customers, we love our stage and yes, we still love Margaret Cho. Read on.

First things first. I have known Margaret Cho for some time and consider her a friend. She is an accomplished comedian with a body of work that deserves to be judged not on one night, but on it’s whole. The countless open mic nights to the the HBO special and yes, last Saturday is in the mix, part of the many ways we will judge a persons work.

We do a foolish thing in our line of work. We stand in front of people and try to make them laugh. The things in our heads are sometimes silly, sometimes dark but always we are trying to make them into something funny. It’s not always easy and we aren’t always successful. As a comic I understand it and applaud Margaret for trying, for walking the razors edge in bare feet and damning the cuts. As a businessman, I understand my customers. They want to laugh. They care about the product as a finished whole - not an experiment. They came on a Saturday night and laid down money to be made to laugh. Last Saturday at the late show that did not happen.

I will make it up to my customers. I will let them know that The Stress Factory cares about them more than any other club cares about it’s customers and I will do this quickly and with great concern. We will turn you, if you’re not already one, into a hard core customer, one who knows that we always care and we always strive to consider the customer as one of the most important aspects of our business. We will also encourage our friend Margaret. We will help her get on with the process. We will applaud her and support her and we will let her know what so many other artists know, The Stress Factory loves you. We know the struggle first hand and we are there for you too. We know that the comics are also one of the most important aspects of our business.

We want you to know how important this is to us, to me. I want and need my customers to be happy. I also want and need the comics to be the best. I want you to forgive us and let us make it up to you. I also want you to consider this when judging Margaret. She tried something extraordinary. She bared a truth too difficult for too many people to even talk about privately. I suspect that when the piece is finished, it will be funny, poignant and brilliantly Margaret Cho. At that point you can look back and say you were there when it started, you saw it at the genesis and that is something special too. In the meantime, I will make it up to you.

Sincerely,

Vinnie Brand

[Jim Acostas Impotent Rage]

Margaret Cho is still a comedienne in TYOOL 2016. I'm actually pretty shocked.

Also, I watched about 6 minutes of the Netflix standup of Theo Von and it's seriously some of the worst comedy I've ever seen. I don't know what Netflix was thinking.

[Agent of Aspieonage]

I was dragged to a festival or something out west and she did a short 25 minute set on it and it was godawful. Cho is a prime example of the progressive stack in comedy, and its getting worse and worse.

[Call Me CisMale]

She claims it was due to jet lag, but it was her fifth show of the weekend at that club.

Hmmmm.

[Jim Acostas Impotent Rage]

I'm sorry but I just don't find her over-the-top impressions of her "wacky" Chinese family funny. It's like how I don't find black comedians who talk about the difference between whites and blacks funny. Not because I'm offended or triggered by it, but because it's just not funny. "White people sure can't dance! Ho ho!" Same with her shit comedy. "My mom is so old country! 'ME NO UNDERSTAND VACUUM CWEANUH!" It's just not funny.

[Kill L. Nigs]

I can't believe she's even a thing in CURRENT YEAR.  Everyone was sick of her shit in the early-mid 90s.  Not a surprise she has to resort to social justice in order to stay relevant.

[Pinochet Airways]

Reno 911 is still one of the best comedy shows ever made.

[a torrent of piss]

I don't know if agent knows about Margaret Cho's meltdown, but there's nothing I love more than mealy-mouthed apologies.  Here's the club owner's:

Dear Stress Factory Fans:

For 25 years The Stress Factory has produced the best stand up comics in the business. Last Saturday night we presented Margaret Cho whose career includes stints on HBO, COMEDY CENTRAL and many other prestigious highlights. She is a brash, accomplished, outspoken comic whose work has earned her the respect of legions of fans, the industry and me.

We booked Margaret for 5 shows and 4 of them went brilliantly. Unfortunately the fifth show, the final set of the weekend, did not. This show took a left turn and ended up being a mess. We are truly sorry for that. We will make this up to the people who attended the show in whatever way we can. We love our customers, we love our stage and yes, we still love Margaret Cho. Read on.

First things first. I have known Margaret Cho for some time and consider her a friend. She is an accomplished comedian with a body of work that deserves to be judged not on one night, but on it’s whole. The countless open mic nights to the the HBO special and yes, last Saturday is in the mix, part of the many ways we will judge a persons work.

We do a foolish thing in our line of work. We stand in front of people and try to make them laugh. The things in our heads are sometimes silly, sometimes dark but always we are trying to make them into something funny. It’s not always easy and we aren’t always successful. As a comic I understand it and applaud Margaret for trying, for walking the razors edge in bare feet and damning the cuts. As a businessman, I understand my customers. They want to laugh. They care about the product as a finished whole - not an experiment. They came on a Saturday night and laid down money to be made to laugh. Last Saturday at the late show that did not happen.

I will make it up to my customers. I will let them know that The Stress Factory cares about them more than any other club cares about it’s customers and I will do this quickly and with great concern. We will turn you, if you’re not already one, into a hard core customer, one who knows that we always care and we always strive to consider the customer as one of the most important aspects of our business. We will also encourage our friend Margaret. We will help her get on with the process. We will applaud her and support her and we will let her know what so many other artists know, The Stress Factory loves you. We know the struggle first hand and we are there for you too. We know that the comics are also one of the most important aspects of our business.

We want you to know how important this is to us, to me. I want and need my customers to be happy. I also want and need the comics to be the best. I want you to forgive us and let us make it up to you. I also want you to consider this when judging Margaret. She tried something extraordinary. She bared a truth too difficult for too many people to even talk about privately. I suspect that when the piece is finished, it will be funny, poignant and brilliantly Margaret Cho. At that point you can look back and say you were there when it started, you saw it at the genesis and that is something special too. In the meantime, I will make it up to you.

Sincerely,

Vinnie Brand

So how many people did she call niggers?

[Autism Therapy Chicken]

Here's Margaret Cho in a nutshell:

https://twitter.com/Civis_Silas/status/663017172202037248/photo/1

No  big enough.

[Agent of Aspieonage]

 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:32 PM]:   I remember once after a show someone asked me "Wow, so you just make that all up on the spot when you go up?"
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:34 PM]:   No you stupid nigger I poured over every single word and cadence and bit of timing, I rewrote most of those jokes 12+ times to cut the fat and maximize the laughs, and everything down to my smallest facial expressions and when I take a shot after what joke was carefully thought out. You. Dumb. Nigger.
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:34 PM]:   BUT IT'S JUST TELLING JOKES, AGENT
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:34 PM]:   HOW COULD THAT BE HARD
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:35 PM]:   It's like writing. People think it's just sitting down and coming up with bullshit and spewing it onto a page.
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:35 PM]:   Throw some bones, three minutes, something to work with.
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:35 PM]:   But there's a lot of painstaking effort that goes into creative works. Like, actual, good creative works.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:35 PM]:   Well like, okay. Let me try to put my money where my mouth is.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:36 PM]:   Sometimes I like to challenge myself by taking a common saying or idiom, and then making that the setup, and try to write the best possible punchline for it. Its a writing exercize
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:36 PM]:   It's not a cock, is it?
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:36 PM]:   Granted as I've only done some short stories on the interwebs I think I'm pretty far down on the totem pole compared to you, Agent.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:36 PM]:   For example, once I took "Every time God closes a door he opens a window" and sat trying to come up with a funny punchline
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:37 PM]:   The best one was "...and then Eric Clapton writes a real sad song about it"
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:37 PM]:   Heh.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:37 PM]:   So go ahead and pick out a common saying or idiom of your choice, something 95% of people have heard before, pick it and I'll try to write some punchlines for it.
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:38 PM]:   Swallow your pride
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:38 PM]:   Okay so my first instinct was a blowjob joke
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:38 PM]:   BUT
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:38 PM]:   that would be a hack's first instinct
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:38 PM]:   and he would just go with it
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:39 PM]:   Last time I picked an idiom I got blasted. Not much of a joke about a niggerdeath forum hating grammar. Or maybe?...
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:39 PM]:   I want it to be something they wouldn't see coming.
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:39 PM]:   I'll admit I would've been a bit disappointed if you'd gone with a blowjob joke.
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:39 PM]:   Especially considering I'm painfully bad at comedy and even I thought of that.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:39 PM]:   Yeah there has got to be something better
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:39 PM]:   I'm thinking
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:40 PM]:   So now I'm thinking of a joke that might revolve around me being so arrogant I'd choke on it
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:40 PM]:   Which is a little less predictable but not by much
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:41 PM]:   GOT IT
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:42 PM]:   Nah, tell your joke.
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:43 PM]:   I've got plenty of good stories about immigrants, some that have been called "funniest story ever" by people, but I can't tell stories like that.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:43 PM]:   I believe its important to swallow your pride. Also swallow your charm, wit, bravery, willingness to get in fistfights, and ability to fuck ugly chicks. Look what I'm trying to say is I'm an alcoholic.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:43 PM]:   There, thats a good enough joke to tell onstage. I did it.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:43 PM]:   Yay
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:44 PM]:   I actually laughed out loud at that.
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:44 PM]:   Now I want to see one of your shows.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:46 PM]:   I remember hearing some famous musician say something like "It took me decades to learn which notes NOT to play". It applies just as much to jokewriting imo. That easy blowjob joke was just sitting there and its temping to go for it and be lazy, which is why I mentioned it was my immediate first go-to, which means its the shortest and thus laziest route.

[Agent of Aspieonage]

 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:48 PM]:   Wanna hit me with another idiom?
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:49 PM]:   Revenge is a dish best served cold
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:49 PM]:   Ohh okay
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:50 PM]:   Lets see. Where can we go with this.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:50 PM]:   First instinct is an ex wife can't cook joke
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:50 PM]:   So no-go on that one, too predictable.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:56 PM]:   Okay so now I'm coming at it from the other angle, thinking of a punchline to end this phrase "It is said that revenge is a dish best served cold, which is true. But don't forget, revenge is a dish best eaten ____________" Getting nothing so far, so I researched the phrase, which translates to "vengeance is often more satisfying if it is not exacted immediately." So now I'm thinking of what I can do with that idea once it is explained to the audience
  Theoretically Offended [01|Apr 05:57 PM]:   Not kidding, getting to see this entire process is fucking fascinating.
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:57 PM]:   If you came across the corpse of the one you wishes revenge on, it might be cold.
  Japanese Whaler [01|Apr 05:58 PM]:   what if it's revenge meatloaf? nobody likes cold meatloaf
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:58 PM]:   "You know that phrase 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'? I actually looked up what it means, and it means that revenge is usually more satisfying if you wait a while to do it." From here I could easily do a rape joke, I could make a joke about going to a high school reunion, I could make a joke about how sperm is warm i.e. fucking some guys wife.
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 05:58 PM]:   Unless you do that dated thing where a women is cold.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:58 PM]:   So I want to now think of a route that the audience wouldn't beat me to.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 05:58 PM]:   Yeah see they'd beat me to a corpse joke, and its the lazy route.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:01 PM]:   You know that phrase 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'? I actually looked up what it means, and it means that revenge is usually more satisfying if you wait a while to do it. Just like abortions, _______, and _______"
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:01 PM]:   Comedy rule of three, I need to think of two more things that its funny or fucked up to do them late
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:01 PM]:   I could say "teaching your kids to read" instead of abortions
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:02 PM]:   Or make all three kid jokes that roll together
  Carbpoole [01|Apr 06:04 PM]:   @Agent Provodkateur: You're soon to find the idiom and endonym of which you speak.
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:05 PM]:   You know that phrase 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'? I actually looked up what it means, and it means that revenge is usually more satisfying if you wait a long time to do it. Just like abortions, interventions, and kicking Muslims out of Europe."
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:05 PM]:   Boom, I got my joke.
 blakks are not very cool [01|Apr 06:06 PM]:   haha
 Agent Provodkateur [01|Apr 06:06 PM]:   Thats a good enough joke to say onstage, I'm saving both of those. I need a followup to the inevitable heckle from some pro muslim shitlib, but that will be easy.

[Obese and Triggered]

Thanks for that, Agent, it's interesting to me to watch the writing process at work.

I like learning about comedy as a craft, there's an awful lot of hard work that goes on behind the scenes before you can walk out on stage and get a crowd to laugh for a half hour (or hour, holy shit!). Some folks are funny because of their delivery, other folks writing amazing jokes and kill it that way.

Reno 911 is still one of the best comedy shows ever made.

Definite top 10. A bunch of those folks have been working together for 20+ years and it shows. They are amazing at improv and I wish there was more footage of them working on bits for the show. They had some outtakes for the Miami movie but nothing I could find for the tv show.

[Kill L. Nigs]

One of the guys from Trailer Park Boys got caught choking a bitch: http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/trailer-park-boys-star-alleged-victim-slams-police-article-1.2586403

One of the actresses from the show immediately quits because of wymynyst solidarity: http://www.tmz.com/2016/04/02/trailer-park-boys-lucy-quit-bubbles-arrest/

Now this happens to be the same actress who accused beta male feminist Jian Ghomeshi of raping her, even though there was shitloads of evidence of her spending time with Ghomeshi after the rape: http://www.chatelaine.com/news/exclusive-lucy-decoutere-on-the-ghomeshi-disaster/



Note: this picture took place after the "rape"

This could have went into the feminist thread but the TPB seem to be gaining a lot of popularity and they put on various shows throughout the world.  I expect lots of feminists whining that Netflix has TPB available to stream.  If you haven't watched the show, I highly recommend it and I suggest you do it fast because it might get taken down in the next few days.

[Soup Her Pooper]

Mike Smith and the alleged chokee made a press release that they were having a heated arguement and bystanders freaked out and called the cops. Maybe they'll write out lucy like they did Chef on Southpark

[Bloodmouth Carnist]

The actress that played an opportunistic whore on screen turns out to be an opportunistic whore in real life.

Life truly imitates art.

[SSOUL TRANN]

I've never seen the show, but I would just expect a program called "Trailer Park Boys" to feature lots of domestic abuse.

Also: "Alleged Chokee" best new username OR new SS colloquialism for spouse

New name please not you gapo i need a real adni,

[freak puke]

Thoughts on Eugene Mirman?

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lYxFQdX5jg" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lYxFQdX5jg</a>