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Author Topic: The Beta Male Thread  (Read 120191 times)

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The Beta Male Thread
« on: September 20, 2015, 05:20:27 PM »
+5
Spot how many times everything in this article indicates dude is beta as fuck

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10373251/Why-you-should-never-offer-to-help-your-girlfriend-move-house.html

Quote
Why you should never offer to help your girlfriend move house



Ed Cumming thought he'd learned his lesson the last time he helped someone move house. How wrong he turned out to be.

As someone who was once dumped by text while in the loo on a broken-down train to stay in a Premier Inn in Glasgow on a wet Saturday in January, I consider myself a connoiseur of the crap weekend. So I believe I can speak with confidence when I say that nothing - nothing - is worse than Helping The Girlfriend To Move House.

I spent two days doing this a fortnight ago and have been in recovery ever since. The misery wasn't even a surprise. I have Helped Girls To Move House before, and I remember vowing never again. Yet when asked this time round, I consented like a lamb. I suppose this is how the Second World War got started.

The physical move, a multi-pronged assault on my masculine identity, is bad enough. I can't drive, which means there are two options: rent a van, driven by the girlfriend with me sitting in the passenger seat like some simpleton eunuch bodyguard, or rent a man with a van. The second option makes me look a bit less pathetic at the traffic lights, but comes with its own significant disadvantages: namely that I have to watch as ripples of sexual fantasy shimmer across the girlfriend's face in the presence of the inevitably muscular 'man'. These b******* hoist lead-lined coffins with comic ease.

"Yeah, but how well do you know the work of Thomas Pynchon?" I want to shout. Sadly I'm always drenched in sweat and totally out of breath from climbing into the van, so I can't.

Luckily this time the guy who showed up was at least 50, his days of girflriend-slaying behind him. (He also had ten children, lest anyone accuse him of not doing his bit.) More ominous was the size of his van. My girlfriend's previous dwelling was a house in Clapham in which she had a room about 10ft square. How the contents of this space expanded to fill a lorry of the sort used to convey Rolling Stones stagesets or nuclear waste is a mystery I will take to the grave.

I heard the lorry before I saw it, as it rumbled around Finsbury Park. Then I had to unpack it.
The first few loads were OK, but around the fifth bag of linen I began to ask questions. Questions like "you do only have one bed, don't you?" and "I thought you threw these away?". At one stage I carried a heavy box upstairs only to discover that it was full of other boxes and had to take a short walk to calm down.

Worst of all were the cushions. Endless cushions, for the bed. Note: not pillows, cushions - items that must be removed from the bed before sleeping, and then replaced in the morning 'so it looks nice'. I have come to think of the bed cushions as a kind of psychic cilice, reminding me of all I love about my relationship by slightly irritating me every morning and night.

The ordeal wasn't over. She was moving in with three other women, so there were three more vanloads. After what felt like hours the other boyfriends and I collapsed, shattered, in what had at the start of the day been a recognisable living room, but now seemed to be an entire branch of John Lewis that had been picked up by a giant, violently shaken, and crushed.

With the manual labour over, the mental torture began, as the women discussed what the house needed. 'A particularly thorough burglary' wasn't on the list. You will not hear such passive-aggressive middle-class competitiveness this side of Eton sports day. I quote, verbatim:

"I just think an uplighter would make a world of difference." "The utility room is a hell hole, it fills me with dread. We need some small storage-baskety type things." "I spent £400 on bedding so I'm more than happy to spend £400 on candles." "I'd like 24 matching white wine glasses and 24 matching red wine glasses." "I think it would be nice to have a really large wooden cutting board, so when we have a roast the juices will flow into the grooves." "We need tea lights, and we need jars to put them in." "Don't laugh at me, you're the one with the strawberry huller." "We need stainless steel pots for herbs, so that it's all matchy-matchy by the sink." "You're right, we do need at least six lampshades."

The next day they went to IKEA and bought it all. If the house ever goes up in flames, the whole of north London will smell like vanilla.
I learnt one thing from Helping The Girlfriend To Move House. Next time I change address I am going to take a radical minimalist approach, and live like the CIA assassin in Homeland: one sleeping bag, one Kindle, one laptop, one of those fridges for tinnies shaped like a tinny, and a deckchair. No cushions, no boxes, no shoes, no shoe-boxes, no linen, no candles. And, after she's read this, probably no girlfriend either.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2016, 07:17:57 PM by Dog-O-Tron 5000v4.0 »

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2015, 05:20:37 PM »
+9











Rocket

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2015, 06:53:52 PM »
+2
That goon getting eaten by the land whale looks like Loinworm.
Yes, that is me on my Rocket Cycle with my enormous penis.


bigperm

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2015, 07:00:35 PM »
+17
Spot how many times everything in this article indicates dude is beta as fuck

This is all I needed to see.




White folks was in the caves while we was building empires!

We built pyramids before Donald Trump even knew what architecture was…

We taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it

A Serpico Amongst Mods [02|Feb 10:33 AM]:   (I always agree with BP :smug: )

Soup Her Pooper

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2015, 07:08:53 PM »
+11
Haha can't drive, can't lift, is British or something. Lol faggot
rofl I have a sig

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2015, 07:18:32 PM »
+24
He's so beta he's worried about a professional mover sweeping his woman off his feet. Not her hot yoga instructor, or her Don Draper esque boss, or her brothers handsome friend.

A random moving dude.

Nate Higgers

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2015, 07:27:55 PM »
+14
These people are the majority in any kind of office environment.  It's so cringeworthy to see a man who is terrified of the whims of his wife.  These people also like to stay late so they can avoid coming home.  It isn't that they like work, it's that they dislike their home that much.

Hollywood Shabat Goy Yaro

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2015, 02:52:59 AM »
0
I'm in the process of moving out and this is exactly what I need to be reading.

Instead of being a giant mangina like that dude and bringing an absurd amount of clothing/furniture/crap with me I'm being minimalist with everything and fitting as much as I can into a Toyota Corolla (stick shift of course - bucking the Gen Y trend)with this amazing idea of buying new stuff after moving.  Then again I'm not a beta married/dating some feminist cunt.


Quote

I just wanted to live a normal life.  Have a wife and kids, be a father.  But then my other side tells me that I want to get breast and butt implants and get a job working as a plus size model for Victoria's Secret.

Autistic Yankee

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2015, 03:27:18 AM »
+3
Here is a post I made in images thread like a year ago.  It belongs here for mega lulz


Nothing makes me lol like betamax faggots getting caught in the friend zone.  Here have some more hilarious examples!  I seriously fucking hope the guys in these pictures are homosexuals.  If they aren't this is pathetic as fuck.






















And the award for most pathetic friend zone ever goes to...



Only an Asian could be beta enough to buy a new car for another mans girlfriend.  :allears:
:lomo2:    :lomo2:  
Chomp!  I'll totally be motivated to get off my ass, overcome my social anxiety and fear of failure and go to college once Bernie Sanders gives it to me for free like a handy from Lomos mom in an Arby's Men's room-I mean a Gender Inclusive Rest Facility.

Diane Reynolds

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2015, 10:30:23 AM »
0
That last one has to be fake, right?

..........right?

Uncle Touchy

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2015, 12:14:11 PM »
+2

I've managed to make it this far in my life holding steadfast to the mantra that there is no such thing as an ugly blowjob...



but now...
 :myecred:

Autism Therapy Chicken

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2015, 01:41:15 PM »
+5
Have you ever cringed so hard it actually hurt?  Christ, those Facebook posts.  :stare:

He's so beta he's worried about a professional mover sweeping his woman off his feet. Not her hot yoga instructor, or her Don Draper esque boss, or her brothers handsome friend.

A random moving dude.

Quote from: some doughy faggot
"Yeah, but how well do you know the work of Thomas Pynchon?" I want to shout from the corner, as the moving man viciously pounds my girlfriend doggy-style without a condom (much to her delight).

Internet Black Person

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2015, 01:54:37 PM »
+4
  :tuss: :stare: :lolno: :drew: :rock: :putin: :facepalm: :goonthink: :mudd: :nah: :bert: :flumnigger: :myecred2: :eloh: :fitstare: :indiancry: :triggered: :lolnoxl: :fuckthisgayearth:

This fucking thread, man.  This fucking thread.

FunwithEugenics

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2015, 01:59:56 PM »
+5
This thread only reinforces my belief that, if you're a member of gen Y, you basically just need to have common sense and some basic pride to get chicks.

Most of the members of my generations have set the bar so low, the only way to fail is to dig your own grave.

blasting_asshole

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2015, 02:10:32 PM »
+11
Betas "help" women. Regular men do things for women. What kind of man actually wants to help a woman instead of just doing it for her?

Every time you help (instead of do something for) a woman, you'll wind up thinking to yourself "I"d have been done an hour ago, had she just fucked off, when I told her to fuck off, two hours ago."
« Last Edit: September 21, 2015, 02:26:09 PM by blasting_asshole »

Hollywood Shabat Goy Yaro

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2015, 02:17:31 PM »
+4
It must be a shame to not be able to pick up your girlfriend or carry her on your back.   :facepalm:


Quote

I just wanted to live a normal life.  Have a wife and kids, be a father.  But then my other side tells me that I want to get breast and butt implants and get a job working as a plus size model for Victoria's Secret.

Autistic Yankee

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2015, 03:33:41 PM »
0
I can't stop lolin at these friendzone betas :tom:















God damn, some of these are fucking brutal.  Don't they just make your skin crawl?
« Last Edit: September 21, 2015, 03:54:35 PM by mono statual »
:lomo2:    :lomo2:  
Chomp!  I'll totally be motivated to get off my ass, overcome my social anxiety and fear of failure and go to college once Bernie Sanders gives it to me for free like a handy from Lomos mom in an Arby's Men's room-I mean a Gender Inclusive Rest Facility.

Soup Her Pooper

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2015, 03:42:53 PM »
+1
It must be a shame to not be able to pick up your girlfriend or carry her on your back.   :facepalm:

This is a good fucking metric right here for the general population. like BMI though, it is a horrible metric for powerlifters
rofl I have a sig

Dr. Hatchet-Wound

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2015, 04:10:32 PM »
+2
I can't stop lolin at these friendzone betas :tom:




lol she has an engagment ring on and he's still orbiting around thinking he might get a chance.

Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

Autistic Yankee

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2015, 04:25:28 PM »
+7
For their sakes, I really really hope that some of these guys are homosexuals.  That would actually excuse some of this behavior. 


I seriously doubt thats true in any of these though.   :facepalm:
:lomo2:    :lomo2:  
Chomp!  I'll totally be motivated to get off my ass, overcome my social anxiety and fear of failure and go to college once Bernie Sanders gives it to me for free like a handy from Lomos mom in an Arby's Men's room-I mean a Gender Inclusive Rest Facility.

bigperm

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2015, 04:29:04 PM »
+1
For their sakes, I really really hope that some of these guys are homosexuals.  That would actually excuse some of this behavior. 


I seriously doubt thats true in any of these though.   :facepalm:



White folks was in the caves while we was building empires!

We built pyramids before Donald Trump even knew what architecture was…

We taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it

A Serpico Amongst Mods [02|Feb 10:33 AM]:   (I always agree with BP :smug: )

Rape Artist

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2015, 04:31:37 PM »
+9
lol she has an engagment ring on and he's still orbiting around thinking he might get a chance.

Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

middle finger, not engagement ring.

The beta dude probably bought it for her, and she wears it as a "friendship ring" or whatever

If you see a guy and a girl together and she's wearing that style of ring but not on her ring finger, it means the guy is a placeholder, and she's currently accepting applications. Once someone gets the job, placeholder will either get cut out immediately, or they'll keep him on the payroll to handle printing issues and to watch their dog when they go to Cabo to spend a week drinking mai tais and abusing each others mucus membranes

OZMA CURES HAM

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #22 on: September 21, 2015, 04:42:50 PM »
+10
For their sakes, I really really hope that some of these guys are homosexuals.
Probably not, but they're all faggots.

Dr. Hatchet-Wound

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #23 on: September 21, 2015, 04:54:23 PM »
+2
lol she has an engagment ring on and he's still orbiting around thinking he might get a chance.

Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

she's wearing that style of ring but not on her ring finger

Good eye, I didn't catch that, this is really a thing people do? Like did he give it to her as a "friendship ring" or did he give it to her proposing and she said "YES! I'll be your bestie" *extends middle fingle and puts ring on*

Triggered by Pepe

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Re: The Non-Goon Beta Male Thread
« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2015, 06:35:53 PM »
+2
More cringeworthy than the cringe thread.