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Author Topic: Funny Shit From The News  (Read 74296 times)

Rocket

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4400 on: May 19, 2017, 03:02:13 PM »
+6
http://nypost.com/2017/05/17/judge-to-decide-if-murder-suspect-can-show-penis-to-jury/


Lawyers in the murder trial of a Florida man who wants to show his penis to the jury went back and forth this week on whether he would need to be erect.

The trial for Richard Patterson, 65, of Margate began on Tuesday, but the judge has not ruled whether his genitals will be presented in the courtroom.

Patterson’s lawyers want to use his penis as evidence to argue that his girlfriend Francisca Marquinez, 60, choked to death while performing oral sex on him in 2015.

The prosecution reportedly doesn’t object, but argued at the trial that his penis must be erect, according to news station WPLG.

“Do we do it in the back? Do we do it in open court?” [New hit song by Bruno Mars -Ed.] assistant state attorney Peter Sapak asked. “How is the defendant going to be erect when the jury views it? Because a flaccid penis, whether it be a picture or the jury actually seeing it, is completely irrelevant. It needs to be erect.”

Defense attorney Ken Padowitz slammed the prosecution’s argument, saying the court should hear from a medical expert about the logistics. Padowitz wants to call former Broward County medical examiner Ronald Wright as a witness to testify that Marquinez’s death “is consistent with being accidentally sexually asphyxiated during oral sex.”

“He’s telling the court, as if he’s a medical expert in his argument, that it matters whether the penis is erect or not,” Padowitz said. “But he’s merely speculating here since he’s never asked that question to Dr. Wright in definition, and he doesn’t, obviously, know, actually, what the expert opinion is what is needed or not needed in order for a human being to choke.”

Patterson faces second-degree murder charges and if convicted, could be sentenced to life in prison.
Yes, that is me on my Rocket Cycle with my enormous penis.


Backpfeifengesicht

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4401 on: May 19, 2017, 03:05:43 PM »
+4
Honestly I want to know how it came down to that. If your dick is massive enough to choke a woman out, how do you keep it in her windpipe long enough for her to die? Does the jury need to see if his penis is long enough for him to perform the Heimlich Maneuver while still inserted in her throat? I have so many questions.
Quote from: George Lincoln Rockwell
The Conservatives have a slogan which I think is despicable and defeatist: "It's better to be dead than red." And the Commies and Liberals have a slogan which is even worse, it's treason, they say: "It's better to be red than dead." We say this: "You don't have to be Red and you don't have to be Dead. Not dead. Not Red. Dead Reds"


Whig Historian

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4402 on: May 19, 2017, 03:16:40 PM »
+6
Inquiring minds don't want to know.

Rocket

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4403 on: May 19, 2017, 03:24:59 PM »
+4
We need the law firm of Rocket Backpfeifengesicht Whig and Lurker on this case.

Fuck King and Spalding, K&L Gates, Jones Day and all those wannabes.
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brolonium

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4404 on: May 19, 2017, 07:00:43 PM »
+10
Rocket, there are other, less embarassing ways to satisfy your thirst for cock.

Rocket

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4405 on: May 19, 2017, 08:10:52 PM »
+3
I kinda doubt it.
Yes, that is me on my Rocket Cycle with my enormous penis.


J Dog

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4406 on: May 19, 2017, 09:10:41 PM »
+1
http://www.businessinsider.com/james-comey-white-house-curtains-trump-2017-5

Retarded reporters believe everything they're told.

professional lurker

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4407 on: May 19, 2017, 10:58:29 PM »
0
http://nypost.com/2017/05/17/judge-to-decide-if-murder-suspect-can-show-penis-to-jury/


Lawyers in the murder trial of a Florida man who wants to show his penis to the jury went back and forth this week on whether he would need to be erect.

The trial for Richard Patterson, 65, of Margate began on Tuesday, but the judge has not ruled whether his genitals will be presented in the courtroom.

Patterson’s lawyers want to use his penis as evidence to argue that his girlfriend Francisca Marquinez, 60, choked to death while performing oral sex on him in 2015.

The prosecution reportedly doesn’t object, but argued at the trial that his penis must be erect, according to news station WPLG.

“Do we do it in the back? Do we do it in open court?” [New hit song by Bruno Mars -Ed.] assistant state attorney Peter Sapak asked. “How is the defendant going to be erect when the jury views it? Because a flaccid penis, whether it be a picture or the jury actually seeing it, is completely irrelevant. It needs to be erect.”

Defense attorney Ken Padowitz slammed the prosecution’s argument, saying the court should hear from a medical expert about the logistics. Padowitz wants to call former Broward County medical examiner Ronald Wright as a witness to testify that Marquinez’s death “is consistent with being accidentally sexually asphyxiated during oral sex.”

“He’s telling the court, as if he’s a medical expert in his argument, that it matters whether the penis is erect or not,” Padowitz said. “But he’s merely speculating here since he’s never asked that question to Dr. Wright in definition, and he doesn’t, obviously, know, actually, what the expert opinion is what is needed or not needed in order for a human being to choke.”

Patterson faces second-degree murder charges and if convicted, could be sentenced to life in prison.

Hmm... I'll allow it... But you better tie this up quickly, counselor!
"I'm really boring. My current hobbies right now are playing Animal Crossing on the DS and... I dunno, I did a bit of knitting last night for the first time in months after boy broke up with me over the phone (I can only cast on and knit stitch though). I surf the internet like every other person in the entire fucking world. I constantly have ideas that I never follow through on. I want to be a nurse someday. I want to drive. I nearly got my licence a few years ago but blacked out at the wheel due to my (90% now-cured) anorexia and haven't driven since."

Rocket

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Morty Doom

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4409 on: May 22, 2017, 11:28:11 PM »
0

Ass Diamond

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4410 on: May 22, 2017, 11:44:37 PM »
+5
http://metro.co.uk/2017/05/12/overjoyed-transgender-man-successfully-uses-bionic-penis-to-lose-his-virginity-6632606/

Vomit

Yeah, seems in these situations 2 taps to the dome and tossing what remains into dumpsters is the lord's good work for the betterment of mankind

post regret

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4411 on: June 03, 2017, 12:12:11 AM »
+4

Morty Doom

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4412 on: June 03, 2017, 07:07:03 PM »
+7
naked literal reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/angry-protesters-strip-naked-front-10539315

Well gee now I'm convinced women aren't fucking insane retarded as a whole and should be allowed to be in charge of more things.

Let's get naked and scream in a street. -something a totally sane person would say at any given time.

Dog-O-Tron 5000v4.0

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4413 on: June 04, 2017, 08:39:08 PM »
+4
http://www.npr.org/2017/06/01/531081906/after-outcry-sculpture-depicting

Guy makes a giant sculpture depicting various gallows from history as a commentary against capital punishment. It is exhibited around the world. It comes to Minneapolis. Local Indians find out it references a mass hanging of Indians by the US govt. Remember, this is a sculpture against hanging by the state. They are offended the artist even dare bring it up and protested. To appease them, it will be dismantled and burned in an Indian ceremony.

:psyduck:

888 Didnt Clear Shit

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4414 on: June 04, 2017, 09:00:53 PM »
+8
CNN staged a muslim terror protest at london bridge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ObbTX_nMGk

888 Didnt Clear Shit

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4415 on: June 04, 2017, 09:18:25 PM »
+4
Also Resa Azlan who routinely loses it on twitter is still employed by CNN as a journalist.
http://www.wnd.com/2017/06/brain-eating-cnn-host-calls-trump-piece-of-sh/

Rocket

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4416 on: June 05, 2017, 09:48:13 AM »
+11
https://www.yahoo.com/tv/megyn-kelly-putin-interview-nbc-review-014642646.html

Megyn Kelly’s Putin Interview: A ‘Load Of Nonsense’

Early on in Megyn Kelly’s Sunday-night interview with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, the anchor tried to get the Russian strongman to say whether or not his country interfered in our most recent Presidential election. “This is just another load of nonsense!” is the way the Russian translator rendered Putin’s response. It was a phrase that could also have described Putin’s own answers, as well as most of the premiere of Sunday Night with Megyn Kelly.

Kelly, making her debut as an NBC host, marshaled her trademark steeliness, but it was no match for the insults (“Do you even understand what you’re asking?”) and the weaselly tactics of the KGB master spy. Putin glared, he snorted derisively, he loudly cleared his throat while Kelly was speaking. His intent was to be as dismissive of Kelly as possible. On the outcome of the American election? “It was a surprise to me.” On the charges leveled at him? “Just nuts… We don’t care who is the head of the United States.” Michael Flynn, friend or foe? “I don’t know him.” Jared Kushner and his legendary back channel to Moscow? “I don’t know him.”

There was one moment of flickering interest, when Putin seemed to be extending a helping hand and a friendly wink to President Donald Trump, whom Putin must have heard praising him during Trump’s election campaign. Returning the favor, Putin told Kelly that all this Russian-collusion talk was, in effect, fake news: “You’ve created a sensation out of nothing,” Putin said, referring to the American media, “and turned it into a weapon against the current President.” No wonder Trump likes this guy so much.

And so it went, for what seemed like a very long time but was actually only 15 minutes of Kelly’s premiere. Given the potential to make news here, I’m sure she and her producers had blocked out at least half the show for Putin, had she been able to get something new out of him. The fact that Sunday Night spent as much time rolling in the African mud with elephants (in a report about elephant poaching) as it did with Putin suggests how slim the pickings were in the editing room.

Kelly filled up the rest of her debut by turning it over to other correspondents. Cynthia McFadden did a story about accusations against the pharmaceutical company INSYS Therapeutics, at one point even stealing an old move from Kelly’s time-period competitor, 60 Minutes, in knocking on the door of a suspected wrong-doer for a confrontation. (Like most 60 Minutes segments, this one also ended with nada.)

Harry Smith got to spend two weeks in Africa for his elephant-poaching story, during which time I think he was afflicted with sun-stroke, because he asked this head-shaker of a non-question: “I’ve watched you watch elephants; what do you see when you see elephants?”

During her time at Fox News, Megyn Kelly acquired a reputation for running a tight ship. She’s going to have to start disciplining her NBC troops awfully quickly if she wants to compete on a broadcast network.

Sunday Night with Megyn Kelly airs Sundays at 7 p.m. on NBC



NOTE: The article says, "the anchor tried to get the Russian strongman to say whether or not his country interfered in our most recent Presidential election. 'This is just another load of nonsense!'" Tried? She did get him to say, and he said it didn't.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2017, 09:54:58 AM by Rocket »
Yes, that is me on my Rocket Cycle with my enormous penis.


Trigger Word: Everything

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4417 on: June 05, 2017, 10:29:40 AM »
+3
"No wonder Trump likes this guy so much." is the best they can do.  That is the most damning evidence they got out of the interview.  Retarded, massively reaching conjecture on their own part.

 :goonette:
Shit. I guess this has helped me realize my privilege even more. So that's some good come out of it.
I feel so sad for all the people who don't have a supportive environment even like SA.

Backpfeifengesicht

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4418 on: June 05, 2017, 12:14:48 PM »
+10
NOTE: The article says, "the anchor tried to get the Russian strongman to say whether or not his country interfered in our most recent Presidential election. 'This is just another load of nonsense!'" Tried? She did get him to say, and he said it didn't.

They love weasel words and this kind of carefully worded deceit. Since Putin wouldn't confess his sins it only counts as an attempt, and the writer deliberately frames it that way.
Quote from: George Lincoln Rockwell
The Conservatives have a slogan which I think is despicable and defeatist: "It's better to be dead than red." And the Commies and Liberals have a slogan which is even worse, it's treason, they say: "It's better to be red than dead." We say this: "You don't have to be Red and you don't have to be Dead. Not dead. Not Red. Dead Reds"


Rocket

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4419 on: June 05, 2017, 01:16:35 PM »
+2
NOTE: The article says, "the anchor tried to get the Russian strongman to say whether or not his country interfered in our most recent Presidential election. 'This is just another load of nonsense!'" Tried? She did get him to say, and he said it didn't.

They love weasel words and this kind of carefully worded deceit. Since Putin wouldn't confess his sins it only counts as an attempt, and the writer deliberately frames it that way.
You and I deal with this shit every day. That's why it's easy to spot.
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Obese and Triggered

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4420 on: June 05, 2017, 03:07:05 PM »
+18
 :goonette:  Now come on, Mr. Putin, we've carefully crafted a narrative where you personally meddled in our election. Why won't you own up to it on my fluff show?

 :putin: <mutters something in Russian to interpreter>

 :bernanke: Mr. Putin asks why do you think the former head of the Russian Intelligence Service would feel compelled to answer such a question from one such as you?

:putin: <mutters louder>

:bernanke: So sorry. Mr. Putin said, "Tits or GTFO".

blakks are not very cool

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4421 on: June 06, 2017, 02:12:23 AM »
+14
Some dank leaks from the Fyre Festival disaster:
https://mic.com/articles/178929/fyre-emails-leaked-docs-show-execs-were-notified-of-urgent-concerns-weeks-before-festival

Quote
RED FLAG- BATHROOMS/ SHOWER SHIPPING” circulated, calling attention to the “unexpectedly high costs…of shipping enough toilets and showers to the Bahamas to accommodate an anticipated 2,500 people on the island.” Around the same time, the festival’s caterer backed out of the deal. This series of events led one assistant to write jokingly in an email, “no one is eating so therefore no ones [sic] pooping…”
...
"In speaking to even low level influencers, it was clear they expected their own rooms at private villas on the beach. Of course, these villas don't exist."
...
Some of the limited housing they had for influencers apparently lacked bare essentials like toilet paper and water. At one point, the team deliberated whether to make VIP guests staying in these houses accountable for supplying such basic provisions themselves.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2017, 02:21:16 AM by blakks are not very cool »

Obese and Triggered

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4422 on: June 07, 2017, 07:11:36 PM »
+3
Some dank leaks from the Fyre Festival disaster:
https://mic.com/articles/178929/fyre-emails-leaked-docs-show-execs-were-notified-of-urgent-concerns-weeks-before-festival

Quote
RED FLAG- BATHROOMS/ SHOWER SHIPPING” circulated, calling attention to the “unexpectedly high costs…of shipping enough toilets and showers to the Bahamas to accommodate an anticipated 2,500 people on the island.” Around the same time, the festival’s caterer backed out of the deal. This series of events led one assistant to write jokingly in an email, “no one is eating so therefore no ones [sic] pooping…”
...
"In speaking to even low level influencers, it was clear they expected their own rooms at private villas on the beach. Of course, these villas don't exist."
...
Some of the limited housing they had for influencers apparently lacked bare essentials like toilet paper and water. At one point, the team deliberated whether to make VIP guests staying in these houses accountable for supplying such basic provisions themselves.

Please keep these coming. The schadenfreude is delicious.

Danger-Weiner

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4423 on: June 07, 2017, 07:33:15 PM »
+3
Harry Smith got to spend two weeks in Africa for his elephant-poaching story, during which time I think he was afflicted with sun-stroke, because he asked this head-shaker of a non-question: “I’ve watched you watch elephants; what do you see when you see elephants?”

lmao
Trigger warning: the second video contains powerful audio of the man’s fragmented urine stream.

post regret

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Re: Funny Shit From The News
« Reply #4424 on: June 09, 2017, 08:50:08 PM »
+8
Jobs Site Accidentally Places Ad on White Nationalist Podcast



Ziprecruitr accidentally bought an ad on 'The Daily Shoah' podcast.  They meant to buy an ad on a 'TRS Radio', a podcast about triathlons.

"As first noted on Reddit, the advertisement was read on Wednesday’s episode of The Daily Shoah, a podcast on the white nationalist website The Right Stuff. Among other odious features, the site maintains a “lexicon” page defining some of The Right Stuff’s most used terms, like “cuck” (“a decent substitute for ‘faggot’”), “Dindu Nuffins” (“what it sounds like when a Basketball American attempts to say the phrase ‘He didn’t do nothing!’”), and “Niggertech” (“technology built not to improve lives, but to maintain mediocre ones”). “Shoah” itself is a Hebrew term for the Holocaust."

:smugpepe:

http://gizmodo.com/jobs-site-accidentally-places-ad-on-white-nationalist-p-1795938000?utm_campaign=socialflow_gizmodo_twitter&utm_source=gizmodo_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow